Day of the Moon

Apparently, “Monday” is rooted in an Old English phrase for “Day of the Moon.” It makes the return to the work week a little bit better, a little more magical.

I spent the weekend shirking responsibility, and every now and then, a young lady needs that. Because of that, I have nothing original to share today, and you can blame my sleepy brain.

Here are some nice pieces from Thought Catalog that are relevant to my life as an adult in transition.

Your Real Love is the One You Hurt
(I’ve always maintained that those of you who see the full spectrum of my emotions are the most important to me–even if that means I get mad at you sometimes.)

14 Things That Show You What Actually Matters to You
(Side note: I guess Donna Noble’s departure on Doctor Who really matters to me)

14 Ways to Rethink the Love in Your Life

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe it’s not me who’s missing my opportunities for true love.

Maybe it’s you.

Maybe it’s not me who’s running and untethered and a feather on the wind.

Maybe it’s you.

Or maybe it’s both of us.

And maybe it’s impatience and subjective perspectives of time slowly wearing me down.

Where are you, Love? Where are you off to now?

(Could I interface with you?)

One More Week Down

Not the greatest week in fitness/wellness. I spent all weekend eating junk food, and Tuesday night, I spent doing absolutely nothing due to feeling completely ill upon returning home from work. It almost felt as if I had eaten eggs, but the only culprit would have been macaroni salad at approximately 1PM–no suitable reason to start feeling sick more than four hours later.

Oh well, here we go.

Wednesday, Oct. 10th
CrossFit – WOD: Lynne
​5 rounds not-for-time of:
​Max rep Bench Press  (in my case, 55lbs.)
​Max reps Pull-ups (in this case, modified with a resistance band)
​7-minute rounds

This work-out wasn’t too bad. It did, again, remind me that I am severely lacking in upper-body strength. However, I got through it, and my form stayed fine throughout.

Monday, Oct. 15th
CrossFit – WOD: Random
Every Minute On the Minute for 12 minutes (EMOM12) of:
​2 Back Squats (RX was 90% of max. weight, and since back squats kill my shoulders [internal rotation, gosh darn it], I elected the tiny weight of 60lbs.)

then:

EMOM15 of a random selection of the following sets:
6 Burpee/Pull-ups
6 Burpee/Box Jumps
6 Buddy Burpees

For. The. Love. Of. All. That. Is. HOLY.

We drew playing cards to code ourselves for the different rounds. I kept pulling the ones associated with pull-ups, and that was a nightmare, primarily because I had to scramble off the floor, onto a box, do a pull-up, and then not fall off the box on the way down.

Additionally, I would like to know where my hops have gone. I have no vertical leap, and for “Buddy Burpees,” there was little chance of a lateral hop sideways over a bench. I tested out my jump height before the work-out, standing off to the end of the bench and going through the full jumping motion. I could tell my toes were already dragging, even while I was fresh; knowing myself, that would have resulted in a lot of catching myself on the obstacle and falling–not conducive to a good work-out.

Luckily, Coach Kevin is fantastically understanding of my cruddy current state, so I had some modifications in place to help with the safety aspect: box step-ups instead of jumps, and bench step-overs.

I keep wondering if I should have just done pas de chat leaps over. Ha.

The last two work-outs haven’t really been my best. Like I tell my pre-college math students, though, “Everyone has to start somewhere!” I’ll keep looking for the positives.

Mental Wellness?
In mental and spiritual wellness, I took some time to clean my room on Sunday, as well as start drafting a spreadsheet of dream doctoral programs. Three out of the four schools listed are not in this country. I want that to happen, but it will be quite some time to get the necessary pieces in place. Here’s to the details…

Also, with the shift in weather, I am finding a greater need to leave my lamps on longer. I can’t quite bring myself to splurge on a SAD lamp yet, so for now, five or six 40 watt bulbs on at once will have to do.

The Things I Do

Thursday’s to-do list included the beach and bake ‘n’ shark. We modified that to include a hike that was supposed to take an hour and a half.

Well, it took us two hours, and we weren’t quite given a clear picture of what the ascent and descent looked like. During the hike up, I found it much easier to scramble up on all fours in most places. And on the way down, I might as well have taken a big ol’ palm frond and rocked on down the hill that way. 🙂

Trinidad is also my first “really truly super humid” place I’ve ever visited (in conscious memory). Hawai’i was humid, but nothing like this. Yes, I start sweating immediately after showering. And yes, when exerting myself physically, I sweat right through anything I’m wearing. I was dripping the entire way down the hill.

However, part of that was due to the rainy season cloudburst that happened upon us right near the end of the hike. Thankfully we had just completed the intensely steep part of the hike. The five of us walked out of the wilderness triumphantly and made our way to the beach.

At the beach, the sun came back out. First, though, it was time for bake ‘n’ shark. Despite the name, “bake” is fried bread. I’m not 100% sure the “shark” was actually shark, but I’m not picky when it comes to delicious. We enjoyed our sandwiches at the beach, and then played in the water and laid in the sun.

I’m proud that we all accomplished that hike today. It felt pretty symbolic of all the impossible things in life that I’ve gotten through. It was a good metaphor for the fear and anxiety I’ve dealt with so far, and how once getting through, there’s something beautiful waiting at the end. Sure, I may be exhausted, and sure I may question whether I will ever encounter anything like that again, but it means something.

It means I made it through, and that I will continue to do so.

All Things Go

For those of you not in my CSSA cohort, The Nest, TUBFE, or even my personal Twitterverse, you may not know that I am back in Wenatchee. I will be here for a bit to tend to a family emergency. This is a doozy, to say the least, and I am incredibly tapped-out.

I apologize for all my previous ranting about the universe being against me and romance. It truly is, as if to say I need to deal with things on my own. But as it is, I wish I knew I had a partner waiting for me with a giant hug and some snuggles. Instead, I’m exhausted, and I feel like I’m running on an empty tank. And I’m sick, too. Probably won’t get better for awhile. I do know that I’ve been really lost the past few weeks, probably since about Christmas. Not ashamed to say that I’ll probably be visiting CAPS when I’m back in Corvallis.

I got my first academic extension on an assignment. I feel, unreasonably, like a slacker and a failure. What’s that all about?

Friends, all I ask at this point is to first of all keep my family in your thoughts. Pray if you’d like, or find a place for quiet contemplation. Remember that the petty things in life don’t matter, and what does matter is making good memories, laughing, and finding adventure with friends.

I’ll see what I can do about regular updates. Everything is uncertain at this point.

All things go… all things go…

Dear Universe,

That’s enough. You jerk. Even I have a breaking point.

Let me break this down for you, Universe. I’m a tough girl, and I don’t let too many things get to me. Yes, I realize life isn’t perfect, but I’m incredibly ticked right now. Here, have a look.

Just over a year ago, a boy I was convinced I would marry told me, “You’re not the one.” That’s the most devastating thing a young lady can hear, especially delivered by her first true love.

But you’re lucky I’m so resilient, Universe, because after that, I declared to the world I was going to work on myself. So I sucked it up, bought some books like How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days and it helped. It made everything so much better, and I came out just fine. At that point, I did not even want to seek out a meaningless rebound; I wanted to find a partner that complemented my amazing, whole self.

I went on a few blind dates, and I started talking to several guys I thought were cute. I began hanging out with one I hadn’t seen in years, and all the old feelings I had for him resurfaced. He was amazingly gentle and quirky, with a nerdy-intellect I rarely see. When we kissed, the connection was incredible. I had found something I did not even realize could exist. We both moved abroad to separate countries, kept in touch, and even visited each other. He had an incredible way with words, and I felt so peaceful with him.

Until late July, when he came back to the States and told me, “I’m not digging the romance.”

Uh, excuse me, what?

I wrote him letters by hand while he was away (granted, they’re all lost in the international mail system). We exchanged messages nearly every day. I picked him up from the airport when he came home, and we kissed in that happily-reunited way that one only sees in movies.

But it wasn’t enough because suddenly, I was “too masculine.” And then the months of emotional uncertainty began. On-and-off, alternating between absolutely terrible and blissfully happy. On an upswing, he told me I should visit more. When I arrived in Seattle in late November, I wasn’t prepared for the worst weekend ever. Instead of light-hearted fun, I was delivered with an emotionally-crushing weekend culminating in a tearful goodbye at the train station, telling him to contact me if he ever figured out his life.

He had emotional and personal issues he needed to get over without me. I get it. But how could a connection like that be so turbulent?

Oh, it was because he was also courting three other women.

The message I got merely days before my 25th birthday was from one of the other women. And the whole time I thought I was with someone amazing, he was promising another person he would return for her in the summer.

So, thanks for that. Thanks for providing me with a relationship in which I felt completely secure and peaceful, and then tearing the rug out from under me, leaving me to stare at the ceiling where the word “gullible” was actually painted on the ceiling.

To which I declared, “I give up. Really, this time I’m done.” I didn’t need the books this time– it is truly incredible how quickly I can get over someone who has duped me so terribly.

But then, Universe, do you know what you did?

You made me catch someone’s careless gaze. Someone classically tall, dark, and handsome. Unlike the others, he carried himself confidently. And you, Universe, nudged me forward– told me to take a chance, just one more time. Oh, he was funny, and possessed an incredible charm.

But you saved one surprise for last, Universe: the Cascadia Subduction Zone of dating– locked up feelings suddenly giving way, shaking a foundation that I had hoped was safe.

So dear Universe, do you see what you’re doing? Do you see how each time I try and recover in a meaningful way, you throw a wrench in the plan?

I’m done. I’m too amazing to have this keep happening. I’m fine with bringing new friends into my life, do not get me wrong. And I’m not against mending the aforementioned relationships into friendships– because I forgive, and I understand we’re all human, and we’re allowed to work on ourselves without interference.

But you, Universe, don’t seem to quite understand that. Please, give me a break. I don’t want to be the person that makes other people realize they have to fix themselves. If that’s what you have in mind for me, I want no part in it.

I wash my hands of this.

</3,
Ardith

PS – Having both my e-mail and the FAFSA site malfunction tonight isn’t helping my mood. Seriously. Stop it.

We’ve replaced hate…with SNUGGLES!

Not to be confused with Snuggies. (I’d much rather hate be replaced with Slankets, in my humble opinion.)

Gee wilikers, what’s happened this week so far. I voted. I am resolving a 401(k) rollover issue– cross your fingers on that. I did laundry. I had students stop by my office hours. Normal grad-school things, I suppose. It’s been busy because again, I’m trying to push myself to work ahead so my homework’s all good to go for next weekend.

E left for Spain early yesterday, and I chatted with her briefly this morning. She’s safely in Cadiz, so that is news of the most excellent sort.

I have a lot of work to do, though, so I’m going to bounce out of here after leaving one more tidbit of wisdom:

Haptics are a hard thing to compensate for when in a long-distance relationship. I’m sure that’s why I was so miserable (read: emo) in past years– and probably why I was so miserable when I was single in past years.

So, if I accidentally cling to you or start asking for too many hugs…

DEAL WITH IT.  😀