Forget Me Not

Who I am and what I mean to each and every one of you is something different.

I’m awesome.
I’m trouble.
I’m loved.
I’m an inspiration.
I’m your best friend.
I’m gorgeous.
I’m down-to-Earth.
I’m funny.
I’m intense.
I’m intimidating.
I’m tough.
I’m happy.

I am all of this and more.

And who do I want to be?

That’s a really good question.

I think I want to be everything I listed and more.

I am many things all at once, and to be loved and appreciated for all of that is one of the greatest things I could hope for.

To deny any one of my traits and characteristics would be to deny the full effect.

So, here I am. Take it, or leave it.

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You Don’t Know Anything, So Stop Listening to Yourself

You Don’t Know Anything, So Stop Listening to Yourself via HelloGiggles.com.

Listen to your gut. Fight your instinct.

I’ve been sitting on this post for months upon months upon months. It just sat there with a link to the article. It’s been in the back of my mind since making that scary leap from graduate school to the Real World v.2.0.

“Your instincts are trained habits that you created somewhere along the way. And they are usually just what you’re comfortable with. And some of us are comfortable being unhappy, being taken advantage of, being walked all over, ignored, overlooked, under respected, being made to settle. Your gut tells you the truth, it tells you when something is off. It tells you what no one else will.”

There was a lot of that, carried over from goodness knows how many years of the same old bad habits. I’m trying to break that now. I’ve been doing so much to challenge myself, to step out of this comfort zone, and to make a stand for the person I want to be and the life I want to have.

Being intentional in my goals towards a fitter, healthier self has helped a lot. CrossFit still makes me anxious day after day (or WOD after WOD, I should say), but I still go. Even if my gains aren’t phenomenal like a lot of my friends’, it’s still personal progress. It’s still my victory.

Stepping outside of the comfort zone in advising pushes me to be a better professional–and to have more of an impact on my students’ lives. It’s not easy for me to ask those follow-up questions of, “What could you have done to be more successful this quarter?” and “How will what’s happened this quarter affect your next quarter here?” and so forth. But when I do, I see the wheels turning. I see those reflective pieces start to come together for my students. And I see again why it is what I do matters, and why I simply do what I do.

Being new-ish to a city is tough. It has its own challenges, but I am still making that transition happen. Interestingly enough, my instinct is to move on to the next place quickly. But I think this time, I’m going to stay. Since college, I haven’t lived in one city for more than two years. In fact, I haven’t made it two full years in one place since leaving Bellingham. As I’ve said before, I think I’m ready to put down some roots in Portland.

And that scares me to no end.

I need to try this, though. I need to give myself this chance to stabilize. It will give me the chance to establish a real home again, to become a part of a community, and to keep on this pattern of growth. Growth doesn’t have to mean running from place to place. It doesn’t mean I have to give up that love of travel and exploration, either.

You bet these next few years will be full of mini-breakdowns and embarrassments. (Heck, I hit myself in the face multiple times on my exceedingly low-rep WOD today–however, I completed the workout at the prescribed weight, so I’m going to take that as a victory. [That’s part of the new philosophy moving forward–unless I know the prescribed weight is physically dangerous to me, I will attempt it, even if it means I’m slow and I’m dead-last each time.])

And that’s all okay. Instinct says it’s not, but I’ve got that gut feeling that things will be just fine.

Happy Friday, everyone.

I can see everything from here.

One More Week Down

Not the greatest week in fitness/wellness. I spent all weekend eating junk food, and Tuesday night, I spent doing absolutely nothing due to feeling completely ill upon returning home from work. It almost felt as if I had eaten eggs, but the only culprit would have been macaroni salad at approximately 1PM–no suitable reason to start feeling sick more than four hours later.

Oh well, here we go.

Wednesday, Oct. 10th
CrossFit – WOD: Lynne
​5 rounds not-for-time of:
​Max rep Bench Press  (in my case, 55lbs.)
​Max reps Pull-ups (in this case, modified with a resistance band)
​7-minute rounds

This work-out wasn’t too bad. It did, again, remind me that I am severely lacking in upper-body strength. However, I got through it, and my form stayed fine throughout.

Monday, Oct. 15th
CrossFit – WOD: Random
Every Minute On the Minute for 12 minutes (EMOM12) of:
​2 Back Squats (RX was 90% of max. weight, and since back squats kill my shoulders [internal rotation, gosh darn it], I elected the tiny weight of 60lbs.)

then:

EMOM15 of a random selection of the following sets:
6 Burpee/Pull-ups
6 Burpee/Box Jumps
6 Buddy Burpees

For. The. Love. Of. All. That. Is. HOLY.

We drew playing cards to code ourselves for the different rounds. I kept pulling the ones associated with pull-ups, and that was a nightmare, primarily because I had to scramble off the floor, onto a box, do a pull-up, and then not fall off the box on the way down.

Additionally, I would like to know where my hops have gone. I have no vertical leap, and for “Buddy Burpees,” there was little chance of a lateral hop sideways over a bench. I tested out my jump height before the work-out, standing off to the end of the bench and going through the full jumping motion. I could tell my toes were already dragging, even while I was fresh; knowing myself, that would have resulted in a lot of catching myself on the obstacle and falling–not conducive to a good work-out.

Luckily, Coach Kevin is fantastically understanding of my cruddy current state, so I had some modifications in place to help with the safety aspect: box step-ups instead of jumps, and bench step-overs.

I keep wondering if I should have just done pas de chat leaps over. Ha.

The last two work-outs haven’t really been my best. Like I tell my pre-college math students, though, “Everyone has to start somewhere!” I’ll keep looking for the positives.

Mental Wellness?
In mental and spiritual wellness, I took some time to clean my room on Sunday, as well as start drafting a spreadsheet of dream doctoral programs. Three out of the four schools listed are not in this country. I want that to happen, but it will be quite some time to get the necessary pieces in place. Here’s to the details…

Also, with the shift in weather, I am finding a greater need to leave my lamps on longer. I can’t quite bring myself to splurge on a SAD lamp yet, so for now, five or six 40 watt bulbs on at once will have to do.

More Than a Feeling?

Fall term began a week ago. I’m interning at my first private institution. I’m only taking one “real” class (thanks to internship credits, a PE class, and some projects). Work is off to a good start.

Yet I can’t shake this feeling. Either seasonal depression moved in early, or something else is going on. I’m working on slowly repairing a strained friendship (with a boy, duh), but there many positive points around that. And I should not feel this way.

I’ve been productive, improving my cover letters and tailoring my resume for a job search I’ve already started. Even so, I’m taking it slow on that and trying to stay in the game with my assistantship right now. I’m happy that the residents in my wing are very social and kind; I even baked cookies last night and shared them with the residents.

Still, though, something’s off. I’m trying to take care of myself, making appointments with CAPS and hopefully the SHS. I don’t want this feeling to keep lingering and keep this cloud around my social and professional life.

It’s taken a lot to write about the way I’ve been feeling. This isn’t an easy topic for a smart, independent, successful young woman to write about.

So bear with me. Be patient. If I call you, return my call because you might just be who I need to talk to.

This, too, shall pass. This is only temporary.

All Things Go

For those of you not in my CSSA cohort, The Nest, TUBFE, or even my personal Twitterverse, you may not know that I am back in Wenatchee. I will be here for a bit to tend to a family emergency. This is a doozy, to say the least, and I am incredibly tapped-out.

I apologize for all my previous ranting about the universe being against me and romance. It truly is, as if to say I need to deal with things on my own. But as it is, I wish I knew I had a partner waiting for me with a giant hug and some snuggles. Instead, I’m exhausted, and I feel like I’m running on an empty tank. And I’m sick, too. Probably won’t get better for awhile. I do know that I’ve been really lost the past few weeks, probably since about Christmas. Not ashamed to say that I’ll probably be visiting CAPS when I’m back in Corvallis.

I got my first academic extension on an assignment. I feel, unreasonably, like a slacker and a failure. What’s that all about?

Friends, all I ask at this point is to first of all keep my family in your thoughts. Pray if you’d like, or find a place for quiet contemplation. Remember that the petty things in life don’t matter, and what does matter is making good memories, laughing, and finding adventure with friends.

I’ll see what I can do about regular updates. Everything is uncertain at this point.

All things go… all things go…