Look at This ENFJ

You all are probably aware that I am an extrovert (or extravert). I am fascinated with personality types and profiles, and I found myself searching for a share-worthy profile of an ENFJ.

I took the personality test again to confirm. My Judging/Perceiving scores always come back borderline. Historically, “J” wins out on the tests, but usually only by a few points. I lean towards “J” because I like goal-setting and I like having a framework. Within that framework, I find freedom and spontaneity. I have been taught that more demonstrated responsibility leads to greater flexibility.

Furthermore…
“[ENFJs] expect the best not just from themselves, but from others as well, and may find themselves disappointed when others are not as genuine in their intentions as the ENFJ.”

So, if you’ve ever wanted to more about me from an outside point-of-view read on.

Train to Live

Why, yes. Last night, I bumped the power clean weight up to 75lbs. and kept everything else the same as last time, and completed Elizabeth in 6 minutes and 44 seconds–almost 30 seconds faster than last time (and 5lbs. heavier!). And yes, I was still stuffy and sad from the lingering illness.

And yes, on Monday night, I was exhausted and drained and nearly didn’t go to the gym at all, but I decided (at 6:50PM) to go to the 7PM class and row. And once I got there, a teammate told me not to wimp out of the WOD, so I begrudgingly set up super-scaled down equipment and modified the Lumberjack 20 into what I deemed the “super mod. feel bad sick WOD” a.k.a., “Ardith and the super scaled down feel bad weights.”

And yes, last Friday was my first day back at the gym after Sasquatch and catching an awful cold, and we had to do Fight Gone Bad. But I did it Rx’d, even though I couldn’t breathe right and my arms felt like marshmallows.

And yes, I feel sluggish and bloated from the high amounts of refined sugar, gluten, and alcohol that have found their way into my system, along with all sorts of other grains. So, starting tomorrow, I’m going back to my modified paleo plan from the beginning of the year because I felt awesome doing that.

And YES, I wish I had someone to snuggle up to, but the more I think about it, the more I start to think I’m at a stage where I’m simply in love with the idea of being in love. Again. (More on that in the next week.)

And yes, this is a super-short post just to say, “Don’t worry; I’m still here. I’ll be back at full-strength soon. Promise.”

Here’s to training for chaos in all of life and keeping the mental awareness necessary to reflect on setbacks and progress.

Know Pain. Know Gain.

Thanks for bearing with me, friends. Sometimes a lady just has to process her errors, and I process by writing things out. I’m alright; I’m always alright.

I haven’t made any major gains at the gym in the last two weeks. My body has been majorly sapped from the high levels of stress. I spent most of the weekend sleeping to recover, and I am running at about 75% currently. I dropped out of the nutrition challenge pretty majorly, although I made it through last Sunday and most of last Monday before letting the stress of life overwhelm the stress of blocking out every meal. I still was mindful, for the most part, and today’s meals have been intentionally portioned even though the challenge is over.

Last Monday’s WOD was rough, but I busted out some banded handstand push-ups, and the previous Tuesday’s WOD had snatches in it, and those are fairly fun. Difficult lift to get heavy with, especially with overhead squats thrown in, but I used the 45lb. bar and got through a decent amount of work.

I was on the road for a portion of the week, and my guest workout included back squats followed by weighted lunges and V-ups. I was sore for a few days.

The weekend was mentally much-needed. It was an escape to the coast for a few nights, and there was wine and hot tubbing and a lot of good, productive conversation. I feel a lot better, although I could use a few more decompression sessions.

This Monday’s WOD was OK. Deadlifts for strength, in which I matched my current best, then some running followed by 75lb. power cleans, squat cleans, and jerks. My shoulders felt it, and I was beating myself up for my cruddy form throughout the whole night. Again, no significant progress with those lifts, but I could tell things are feeling a bit better as I work at those weights.

Important update, though! On Tuesday night, I made a small breakthrough on my strict press. For the first time ever, I hit a solid rep at 65lbs. and then threw one more rep up. I next failed my 70lb. attempt, and then got one more rep at 65lbs. That is a teeny step in the right direction with that cursed lift. I gave it a shot, knowing full well that strict press is my nemesis; I’ll keep facing it head-on. I will not necessarily enjoy it, but I will do it.

Knowing who you are is always necessary in working through hurdles and barriers. In many ways, I am still getting to know this newer version of me, the woman who is so strong and so driven in all she does, but who also feels the full weight of emotions and other outside factors. I have never been non-feeling, and I often feel this guilt in revealing the side of myself that isn’t “just funny” or “just smart.” I don’t want people to be afraid of it, so I try to keep it hidden–until something allows that dam to break again. When I apologize for the way I feel and the way I process, I mean it, because it’s a lot to take in for folks who have only seen a portion of my personality and full identity.

I am working to embrace all these sides of myself because they are me. I am working to make all those sides healthy and respectable. And always, I am working on this because I want to be my best for myself and for my friends.

So, stick with me. No one said progress was easy.

Forget Me Not

Who I am and what I mean to each and every one of you is something different.

I’m awesome.
I’m trouble.
I’m loved.
I’m an inspiration.
I’m your best friend.
I’m gorgeous.
I’m down-to-Earth.
I’m funny.
I’m intense.
I’m intimidating.
I’m tough.
I’m happy.

I am all of this and more.

And who do I want to be?

That’s a really good question.

I think I want to be everything I listed and more.

I am many things all at once, and to be loved and appreciated for all of that is one of the greatest things I could hope for.

To deny any one of my traits and characteristics would be to deny the full effect.

So, here I am. Take it, or leave it.

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You Don’t Know Anything, So Stop Listening to Yourself

You Don’t Know Anything, So Stop Listening to Yourself via HelloGiggles.com.

Listen to your gut. Fight your instinct.

I’ve been sitting on this post for months upon months upon months. It just sat there with a link to the article. It’s been in the back of my mind since making that scary leap from graduate school to the Real World v.2.0.

“Your instincts are trained habits that you created somewhere along the way. And they are usually just what you’re comfortable with. And some of us are comfortable being unhappy, being taken advantage of, being walked all over, ignored, overlooked, under respected, being made to settle. Your gut tells you the truth, it tells you when something is off. It tells you what no one else will.”

There was a lot of that, carried over from goodness knows how many years of the same old bad habits. I’m trying to break that now. I’ve been doing so much to challenge myself, to step out of this comfort zone, and to make a stand for the person I want to be and the life I want to have.

Being intentional in my goals towards a fitter, healthier self has helped a lot. CrossFit still makes me anxious day after day (or WOD after WOD, I should say), but I still go. Even if my gains aren’t phenomenal like a lot of my friends’, it’s still personal progress. It’s still my victory.

Stepping outside of the comfort zone in advising pushes me to be a better professional–and to have more of an impact on my students’ lives. It’s not easy for me to ask those follow-up questions of, “What could you have done to be more successful this quarter?” and “How will what’s happened this quarter affect your next quarter here?” and so forth. But when I do, I see the wheels turning. I see those reflective pieces start to come together for my students. And I see again why it is what I do matters, and why I simply do what I do.

Being new-ish to a city is tough. It has its own challenges, but I am still making that transition happen. Interestingly enough, my instinct is to move on to the next place quickly. But I think this time, I’m going to stay. Since college, I haven’t lived in one city for more than two years. In fact, I haven’t made it two full years in one place since leaving Bellingham. As I’ve said before, I think I’m ready to put down some roots in Portland.

And that scares me to no end.

I need to try this, though. I need to give myself this chance to stabilize. It will give me the chance to establish a real home again, to become a part of a community, and to keep on this pattern of growth. Growth doesn’t have to mean running from place to place. It doesn’t mean I have to give up that love of travel and exploration, either.

You bet these next few years will be full of mini-breakdowns and embarrassments. (Heck, I hit myself in the face multiple times on my exceedingly low-rep WOD today–however, I completed the workout at the prescribed weight, so I’m going to take that as a victory. [That’s part of the new philosophy moving forward–unless I know the prescribed weight is physically dangerous to me, I will attempt it, even if it means I’m slow and I’m dead-last each time.])

And that’s all okay. Instinct says it’s not, but I’ve got that gut feeling that things will be just fine.

Happy Friday, everyone.

I can see everything from here.

One More Week Down

Not the greatest week in fitness/wellness. I spent all weekend eating junk food, and Tuesday night, I spent doing absolutely nothing due to feeling completely ill upon returning home from work. It almost felt as if I had eaten eggs, but the only culprit would have been macaroni salad at approximately 1PM–no suitable reason to start feeling sick more than four hours later.

Oh well, here we go.

Wednesday, Oct. 10th
CrossFit – WOD: Lynne
​5 rounds not-for-time of:
​Max rep Bench Press  (in my case, 55lbs.)
​Max reps Pull-ups (in this case, modified with a resistance band)
​7-minute rounds

This work-out wasn’t too bad. It did, again, remind me that I am severely lacking in upper-body strength. However, I got through it, and my form stayed fine throughout.

Monday, Oct. 15th
CrossFit – WOD: Random
Every Minute On the Minute for 12 minutes (EMOM12) of:
​2 Back Squats (RX was 90% of max. weight, and since back squats kill my shoulders [internal rotation, gosh darn it], I elected the tiny weight of 60lbs.)

then:

EMOM15 of a random selection of the following sets:
6 Burpee/Pull-ups
6 Burpee/Box Jumps
6 Buddy Burpees

For. The. Love. Of. All. That. Is. HOLY.

We drew playing cards to code ourselves for the different rounds. I kept pulling the ones associated with pull-ups, and that was a nightmare, primarily because I had to scramble off the floor, onto a box, do a pull-up, and then not fall off the box on the way down.

Additionally, I would like to know where my hops have gone. I have no vertical leap, and for “Buddy Burpees,” there was little chance of a lateral hop sideways over a bench. I tested out my jump height before the work-out, standing off to the end of the bench and going through the full jumping motion. I could tell my toes were already dragging, even while I was fresh; knowing myself, that would have resulted in a lot of catching myself on the obstacle and falling–not conducive to a good work-out.

Luckily, Coach Kevin is fantastically understanding of my cruddy current state, so I had some modifications in place to help with the safety aspect: box step-ups instead of jumps, and bench step-overs.

I keep wondering if I should have just done pas de chat leaps over. Ha.

The last two work-outs haven’t really been my best. Like I tell my pre-college math students, though, “Everyone has to start somewhere!” I’ll keep looking for the positives.

Mental Wellness?
In mental and spiritual wellness, I took some time to clean my room on Sunday, as well as start drafting a spreadsheet of dream doctoral programs. Three out of the four schools listed are not in this country. I want that to happen, but it will be quite some time to get the necessary pieces in place. Here’s to the details…

Also, with the shift in weather, I am finding a greater need to leave my lamps on longer. I can’t quite bring myself to splurge on a SAD lamp yet, so for now, five or six 40 watt bulbs on at once will have to do.

More Than a Feeling?

Fall term began a week ago. I’m interning at my first private institution. I’m only taking one “real” class (thanks to internship credits, a PE class, and some projects). Work is off to a good start.

Yet I can’t shake this feeling. Either seasonal depression moved in early, or something else is going on. I’m working on slowly repairing a strained friendship (with a boy, duh), but there many positive points around that. And I should not feel this way.

I’ve been productive, improving my cover letters and tailoring my resume for a job search I’ve already started. Even so, I’m taking it slow on that and trying to stay in the game with my assistantship right now. I’m happy that the residents in my wing are very social and kind; I even baked cookies last night and shared them with the residents.

Still, though, something’s off. I’m trying to take care of myself, making appointments with CAPS and hopefully the SHS. I don’t want this feeling to keep lingering and keep this cloud around my social and professional life.

It’s taken a lot to write about the way I’ve been feeling. This isn’t an easy topic for a smart, independent, successful young woman to write about.

So bear with me. Be patient. If I call you, return my call because you might just be who I need to talk to.

This, too, shall pass. This is only temporary.