The River of Life

The Roommate and I always have great conversations. We both tend to spend time having side conversations via G-Chat, and it’s been a welcome release from some of the pressures I’ve found here in Corvallis.

As one can easily see, I’m very stressed out about my future job and about relationships. Even though I’ve told myself I’m taking time to focus on myself (and school and the job search), even though I’ve proclaimed a sabbatical from dating, even though I have had some hard yet rewarding conversations–I’m still frustrated by my apparent inability to maintain a healthy relationship. Granted, I am not in a place to be in a serious relationship. Something light and casual is better suited for me as I work through these next few months, but again, even though I’ve been saying that for awhile, it’s been problematic navigating several issues and aligning them with rational thought.

Roommate and I were chatting about this very problem, how what I know is right for me right now and what I want aren’t really lining up. She reiterated another friend’s philosophy on life.

Essentially, life is a river. Sometimes it moves quickly; other times, it moves slower. Right now is one of those slow times. Maybe I’m swirling around in an eddy of sorts, just upstream from what looks like an impressive set of rapids. In that river, there are folks that drift on by; sometimes I take note of their presence. Other times I don’t. Sometimes, someone ends up on the shore of my river of life; they stick around for however long they like. Or until I decide that they should continue on without me. Some of these are like rivers themselves–tributaries, perhaps–coming into my life in a harmonious way, never to leave.

Some say fate and destiny can only take you so far. What you decide to put effort and energy into, those friendships you choose to cultivate, the opportunities you choose to pursue–those are the things that will matter most. Our actions have value, and the passion and love I share for life will triumph. It may not feel like it now, but maybe it’s just time to appreciate the slow passing of this time. There is beauty in it, after all. Or… there is at least loads of potential.

As one of my mentors would say, “Water it, and something will grow.”

Advertisements

Tribute

See you later...

The site where my family and I set Dad free

This weekend, family and friends celebrated my Dad’s life. We had a get-together (read: party) on Saturday, and on Sunday, we went to Ellensburg to disperse Dad’s ashes. It was a lovely time, all in all, and I’m happy that Dad knew so many exceptional people.

Being the youngest Feroglia child, I was asked (told) to give a speech. I called it my “keynote address,” and hopefully it will be the precursor to many a keynote speech. However, I’m sure this may be one of the best public speaking opportunities I’ve ever had and will ever have.

I borrowed (used) the final speech from Death at a Funeral (the British 2007 release) as the base for my speech. I thought it captured quite nicely a lot of the sentiment I wanted to express. I changed some things here and there, added some words, and even though it wasn’t entirely original, I think it served its purpose quite well. I’ll share it here, with original parts highlighted.

My father was an exceptional man. He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man. And he loved us.

Life isn’t simple. It’s complicated. We’re all just thrown in here together in a world full of chaos and confusion. A world full of questions and no answers, with Death always lingering around the corner.

And we do our best…

My dad did his best.

He always tried to tell me you have to go for what you want in life, because you never know how long you’re going to be here. And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have tried.

He reminded me that success is not–and never will be–defined by how much money you have or how much stuff you accumulate. He never said what success was, but I suspect it has something to do with the company you keep.

My father never told me what I could and couldn’t be when I grew up. He let me run circles around a million different ideas, and by my own accord, I ended up exactly where I needed to be.

And that’s exactly what I needed.

A good life is one where, in the end, what remains are a thousand different stories–most of which end with a laugh.

So as you spend time with us, I’d like you to remember my father for who he was–

a decent and loving man.

If only we could be as giving and generous and understanding as my father was, then the world would be a better place.

And that is a life worth celebrating.”

All Things Go

For those of you not in my CSSA cohort, The Nest, TUBFE, or even my personal Twitterverse, you may not know that I am back in Wenatchee. I will be here for a bit to tend to a family emergency. This is a doozy, to say the least, and I am incredibly tapped-out.

I apologize for all my previous ranting about the universe being against me and romance. It truly is, as if to say I need to deal with things on my own. But as it is, I wish I knew I had a partner waiting for me with a giant hug and some snuggles. Instead, I’m exhausted, and I feel like I’m running on an empty tank. And I’m sick, too. Probably won’t get better for awhile. I do know that I’ve been really lost the past few weeks, probably since about Christmas. Not ashamed to say that I’ll probably be visiting CAPS when I’m back in Corvallis.

I got my first academic extension on an assignment. I feel, unreasonably, like a slacker and a failure. What’s that all about?

Friends, all I ask at this point is to first of all keep my family in your thoughts. Pray if you’d like, or find a place for quiet contemplation. Remember that the petty things in life don’t matter, and what does matter is making good memories, laughing, and finding adventure with friends.

I’ll see what I can do about regular updates. Everything is uncertain at this point.

All things go… all things go…

Just Let Go

Dec. 5th

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Just a brief response because otherwise, this will get convoluted.

This is the year that I let go of ridiculous timelines for my life. They have not been eliminated in full, but I am trying so hard.

Of which timelines do I speak?

I’m talking about timelines that dictate when I should have a stable job or when I should be married and juggling a career and thinking about children. Timelines saying that when I’m done with grad school, I’ll do this, this, and that.

When I left college, I thought timelines would be great. I would work until C finished school, then we would move together as I went to grad school. Once I was done there, we would get hitched, and then we would find a place where we could both find work.

And then, kablam-o. It ended. And I had no contingency plan. I was not prepared for the hiccups, and that’s when I began to realize that I could not control much of my life. Even today, I still fall prey to the mindset of looking too far into the future. That’s why when something goes “wrong,” I find myself anxious, nervous, and incredibly depressed.

But I began the process of letting go, and it’s making a difference.