Know Pain. Know Gain.

Thanks for bearing with me, friends. Sometimes a lady just has to process her errors, and I process by writing things out. I’m alright; I’m always alright.

I haven’t made any major gains at the gym in the last two weeks. My body has been majorly sapped from the high levels of stress. I spent most of the weekend sleeping to recover, and I am running at about 75% currently. I dropped out of the nutrition challenge pretty majorly, although I made it through last Sunday and most of last Monday before letting the stress of life overwhelm the stress of blocking out every meal. I still was mindful, for the most part, and today’s meals have been intentionally portioned even though the challenge is over.

Last Monday’s WOD was rough, but I busted out some banded handstand push-ups, and the previous Tuesday’s WOD had snatches in it, and those are fairly fun. Difficult lift to get heavy with, especially with overhead squats thrown in, but I used the 45lb. bar and got through a decent amount of work.

I was on the road for a portion of the week, and my guest workout included back squats followed by weighted lunges and V-ups. I was sore for a few days.

The weekend was mentally much-needed. It was an escape to the coast for a few nights, and there was wine and hot tubbing and a lot of good, productive conversation. I feel a lot better, although I could use a few more decompression sessions.

This Monday’s WOD was OK. Deadlifts for strength, in which I matched my current best, then some running followed by 75lb. power cleans, squat cleans, and jerks. My shoulders felt it, and I was beating myself up for my cruddy form throughout the whole night. Again, no significant progress with those lifts, but I could tell things are feeling a bit better as I work at those weights.

Important update, though! On Tuesday night, I made a small breakthrough on my strict press. For the first time ever, I hit a solid rep at 65lbs. and then threw one more rep up. I next failed my 70lb. attempt, and then got one more rep at 65lbs. That is a teeny step in the right direction with that cursed lift. I gave it a shot, knowing full well that strict press is my nemesis; I’ll keep facing it head-on. I will not necessarily enjoy it, but I will do it.

Knowing who you are is always necessary in working through hurdles and barriers. In many ways, I am still getting to know this newer version of me, the woman who is so strong and so driven in all she does, but who also feels the full weight of emotions and other outside factors. I have never been non-feeling, and I often feel this guilt in revealing the side of myself that isn’t “just funny” or “just smart.” I don’t want people to be afraid of it, so I try to keep it hidden–until something allows that dam to break again. When I apologize for the way I feel and the way I process, I mean it, because it’s a lot to take in for folks who have only seen a portion of my personality and full identity.

I am working to embrace all these sides of myself because they are me. I am working to make all those sides healthy and respectable. And always, I am working on this because I want to be my best for myself and for my friends.

So, stick with me. No one said progress was easy.

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