I sat on my bedroom floor and laid out the cards to my favorite word game solitaire-style. Riceboy Sleeps was on in the background, and my cedar nutmeg candle burned, filling the room with its warm, calming scent.
I felt very much like I did growing up many years ago, keeping myself entertained the way only-childs do. I needed some time to stretch my mind beyond what had become ordinary and routine.
As it has been for the past few years, I am still a spectator as my friends settle down, get married, buy houses, and do all the things grown-ups should. I am walking down a very different path, and tonight, as I contemplated how to play two “QU” cards and a bunch of consonants, I wanted someone to challenge me in this word game.
I couldn’t help but think about what I would say to him as he played his overly-complex words or maybe it was a set of absurd short words. I would give him a hard time, tell him that what he was doing was unfair, and I would either fire back with my own words or make a face, defeated. Then I would laugh, and we would play the next hand.
It can’t just be anybody, though. I have played this game with several guys before, and I am still looking for that special partner.
I know I am quite abrasive about my views on relationships, publicly saying things like, “I hate men and politics equally,” even after meeting really nice guys. Yes, I have been wronged and I have wronged, too, but that isn’t the whole story. It’s just an unfortunate theme.
I don’t really hate you, guys. I haven’t actually given up hope that a nice one in whom I am interested will come along and treat me well, and I am so excited for him to share in this adventure. And vice versa.
You see, I am just impatient. I don’t get why I have to wait so long. I still don’t understand. And I don’t like to settle, either; I am too functional to just say, “Good enough.”
The right partner for me understands that.
I wish so much that this or that could have been different with so-and-so, or that I hadn’t lost touch with another, or that the circumstances were different, or that he maybe said hello in the first place. Those little things, those little details–those haven’t quite worked out for me yet.
Regardless, I carry on. I find joy and challenge in my job, and I look forward to growing myself as a professional. I welcome new travels with open arms. I try to nourish friendships, and I try to cultivate my own spirit (to borrow a phrase from Astin and Astin). I am rooting myself in fitness and health, and I am so happy to have found a team that accepts me as I grow. I call home to say hello, and I take time to appreciate who I am and where I have been and where I am going.
I succumb to loneliness when left to my own thoughts too long, but I know I am loved. Many things are good in life, and I’m not saying the single life is bad. I am doing what I can to make it the best possible, and when Mr. Righteous comes along, hopefully all those little nuances in the universe work in my favor.
For now, I plan to wake up every tomorrow and do what it takes to keep improving myself. Some days, that means looking in and remembering where I come from and what that means for my future lover.
I promise I am worth waiting for.