What Do You Want

I was asked to explain what I want recently. I was asked by an almost lover and my counselor, strangely enough. One asked what I wanted in a friend; the other asked what I wanted in a partner.

Well, you know what I want? It looks the same for a lot of it.

I want someone that makes me laugh, and I want him to laugh at me, too.
I want someone that’s excited when I call or when I share a stupid story or when I say, “Guess what? I have today off! Let’s hang out!”
I want someone that has a handle on where he might go in life, and talking partners, I want him to at least be done with a Bachelor’s degree and out of college (grad school’s a different story).
I want him to support my academic and professional hopes and dreams. And I want him to know I support his aspirations, too.
I want him to have a life of his own, where he’s not co-dependent on anyone else.
I want him to blurt out to his friends, without thinking, “She’s just so cool.”
I want him to recognize how lucky he is to have me in his life, to want to spend time with him, and be a part of each other’s lives.
I want inside jokes.
I want spontaneous drives to the top of a hill to catch the sunset.
I want someone to put up with my inane love of animals and deal with my squeals of delight at the zoo or aquarium.
I want someone who respects the fact that I am spiritual and that it means I am constantly making meaning and searching for “something deeper.”
I want him to respect my quieter moments and understand that I’m not always always always my loud, brash self; I am an artistic type, an amateur writer, a decent musician, a clumsy yet passionate dancer. I am the shy poet whose best work is secret because my worst work is public.
I want him to understand that I feel larger than life sometimes, and other times I feel like I could curl up and sleep for days.
I want a companion that can agree to join me on an adventure or a trip, or at least want to.

Really, the big difference between “friendship” and a “partnership” for me is chemistry. I want to feel my soul settle around him. I want to feel my heart quicken when he walks into a room. I want him to hear the music I play, and I mean this literally. (I have been shy about my piano skills around most suitors. There has been an exception.)

I want to feel validated, knowing that the love I bestow on this man is reciprocated and valued, and I want him to know I feel the same way.

I have so much love to give.

Right now, though, the most I can do right now is be a friend who cares, who listens, who supports. The surplus of love I hold onto will have to go to only me.

I want to be allowed to break into blossom. I am stifled, but I can only be held back for so long.

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