Out of the Gate

CSSA, Year Two: it’s here.

My friend, a graduate of the program, asked me, “Do you feel wise?”

Short answer: no.

Then, how do I feel?

I feel all sorts of things. I feel more confident in my ability to plan and execute events this year. I feel great about making connections with my residents and the staff in my building. I feel hopeful about getting back into shape. I feel anxious about the job search (which I’ve already mildly begun). I feel equipped to handle my classes. I feel nervous about juggling my personal life. I feel excited about my remaining internships and projects. I feel ready to put together a portfolio.

And I feel in tune with the fact that I feel so many different things.

I was a bit high-strung today. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, it seemed. A bunch of little frustrating things started happening after I woke up. Then I had to commute to Salem for my fall internship at a small, private university; I was fine until I missed a few turns and ended up being about 10 minutes late. Then there was paperwork and frustration with not remembering my address from Everett–and there was the knot in my stomach as I was forced to remember that I lived in that sketchy apartment for a year.

I made the mistake of logging on to Facebook when I got home. For some reason, today seemed to be the day to inundate my feed with engagements and wedding photos and baby updates. And while I’m happy for everyone, a part of me still hurts because I’m still waiting. This is going to be my biggest challenge this year, and I have to be patient and know that it won’t be this way forever.

I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished in the past year, though. I uprooted myself from a comfortable city and said, “I’m choosing a program that’s right for me.” I got through some very tough situations. I traveled. I even tried putting my heart back out there a few times.

I keep trying to negotiate with the universe. I’m still wondering how and why and what’s next. 

I’m still here.

264 days left. Let’s go.

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