It’s Impossible!

I finished up my last day of work today, and with the sun shining and smiles on the kids’ faces, it was a good day. And thank goodness for that. I had another one of those unfortunate “I just woke up feeling sad” mornings. Again, there was no reason behind it.

The last few days have been satisfying. In fact, yesterday I rented a two-person kayak and paddled around Greenlake with two friends (yes, we can count– we just switched out paddlers). Afterwards, a group of us ventured north to B’ham to wish the Super Ninja’s older brother a happy birthday. A good time, although I did get a bit flustered when met with a friend’s viewpoints with which I didn’t necessarily agree. Still, I have a few friends who are very passionate about their stances, and I am about mine, as well– I happen to also have a problem expressing myself on-the-spot, verbally, which I will address– so that wouldn’t have qualified as a mood-ruiner.

Oh well, I suppose my body doesn’t want me to be spunky and cheerful ALL.THE.TIME. I’ll let it slide since the mood vanished.

But back to my handicapped verbal expression of spontaneous thoughts regarding topics of which I am passionate– it’s another point in the possibility of having adult ADD.

A few days ago, I tried explaining to the Super Ninja why it is that some very smart people are incredibly disorganized and/or have bad hand-writing. I possess both of those characteristics, and as such, I tried coming up with an explanation. The best I could come up with was that some smart people have very rapid trains of thought and in the rush to get down all the information, the person disregards style and carefulness. As far as disorganization goes, that’s the same type of thing– they may be distracted, or go by a “good enough” mentality and simply remember where an object is in regards to other objects. Too many thoughts, not enough time.

Same thing goes for me trying to get good thoughts out in an instant. I’m an incredible writer because I have the time to think through a topic, get thoughts down, expand them, rearrange them, and revise them. However, on the same topic, speaking out loud, my mind will race, my mouth won’t keep up, then I get agitated, then I lose focus, get more agitated, get lightheaded (seriously), and ultimately give up. It’s also frustrating because I end up feeling so stupid after these situations. It’s like, “There’s the book-smart girl that sounds dumb when she talks!” I avoid verbal conflicts exactly for this reason.

A book I used for research a few years ago though basically said that what I experience is common in people with ADD– the lack of being able to express oneself, especially when upset. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again– I should probably get a formal diagnosis to confirm whether or not I have ADD. If I do, I won’t regard it as a disorder– it’s simply part of the complex personality little ol’ ‘Dith possesses.

Just a little tidbit for you all to chew on this Friday. If you’re in Seattle, make sure you enjoy the sunny weekend. If not, I wish you well!

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