The healing process is a strange thing. Sometimes, you think you’ve got a handle on everything that’s happened and will happen. Other days, you just want to sit around with a cup of cocoa and let “what if” scenarios play out in your head.
Today is a case of the latter. Friday and most of Saturday were cases of the former. I conclude that things are getting better, but I’ve got some distance to cover.
Trying to play the friend card is easy enough; C is a great, nice, fun person. We went out with a bunch of other friends, and it was an overall good time. Last night, though, before getting into bed, I realized how terribly lonely I am yet again. Like I stated in a previous post, I’m missing the security and the physical comfort that comes with having a significant other. It’s not okay for me to cuddle up to my best friend the way I used to.
I envy C’s dog sometimes. Yesterday, the dog crawled up on the couch by me, and tucked his head into my leg. He fell asleep like that, and I petted him for a good while. I wish I had the freedom to be that comfortable and secure. This is always the worst part of being single for me. When I was a freshman living in the dorms, I used to arrange my pillows so I slept on one and cuddled up to the other. I’m a person that responds heavily to haptics, and without it, I’m pretty anxious.
On another note, and speaking of good days, I found out I will be living with a host family in Madrid during the month of April. I’m volunteering as a live-in language tutor, and I’m hoping this turns out to be a great experience. I’m also hoping to travel for a few weeks once I’m done tutoring, making my way down to Cadiz and then over to northern Italy. I’m pretty nervous, and you bet I’m still trying to convince several friends to meet me in May.
*big sigh* I start the grad school interview process in two weeks. I leave the country in two months. After that, I don’t know. I’m excited, nervous, scared, sad, anxious, and a whole slew of other words. I’m at a strange place right now, but I suppose all I can do is push forward.
I keep reminding myself: Believe in the impossible.
Here I go.