Three years ago, I took you out to dinner for your birthday at a Mexican restaurant. It was just us. Not because you were my boyfriend, but because we were best friends, and you had no plans for your birthday. Well, no dinner plans at least. I think I bought you a margarita of sorts, but all I remember is that we laughed a lot. I wasn’t in love with you then, but I thought you were pretty dang awesome. …Hence, us being best friends. Duh.
The more I think about why C and I were (are?) best friends, the better I feel. When we first started dating, I’ll confess that I wasn’t sure about the whole thing. He was my best friend, after all. And now that I’m doing this whole, kind of hokey “healing process,” I think about it, and I realize that I’ve drifted in and out of romantic love, experienced the same worried uncertainty that he had when he ended things. Unfortunately, I was on the upswing of a romantic spell when we broke up; I told him, days before, “I’m so in love with you,” and I meant it. If it had been this summer, I probably would have conceded that I felt similarly– my life direction is still out of whack, and I sometimes mused about what it would be like to be single.
Last Sunday, I sent C an e-mail telling him I was ready to have a real conversation about the state of us. I didn’t hear anything, and reluctantly, I sent him a text message last night to wish him a happy birthday (which is today, the 22nd). Surprisingly, I got a text back; it also said, “Did you get my e-mail? I don’t think it sent right.”
Oh fiddle-sticks. Seriously? A week of silence because of a technical glitch? Bummer.
I’ve been a little sad today, knowing I’m not able to spend his birthday with him this year. It’s for the best, and I know by this time next year, things will be better.
How can I be so sure?
Well, this may be C’s birthday, but this is a day of renewal for me. I promised it to myself. I’ve committed to traveling in the month of April and hopefully part of May.
And just a little while ago, I got the news that both Oregon State and Colorado State want me to interview for their student affairs/services administration programs.
I’ll take that as a sign that I was right.
Anyway, I have no idea how any of this will all turn out. I can’t control it, and I wish I hadn’t tried so hard to control not only my future, but C’s future as well. I stifled our love, and at the same time, I stifled the great friendship we both share. I’ll do whatever it takes to get back in balance, but it will take time, and it won’t be easy for me.
If you love something, set it free. And he knows I care about him, and as much as it sucks to be even more uncertain about the future, I’m not going to stifle love anymore. I’m going to make sure I live in the moment, day to day, and make sure that I make the best choices for me. Which now seem even more overwhelming– I got interview offers from Colorado State and Oregon State today for their grad programs.
But at least I know I’m headed forward. One step at a time, right?