It seems being newly-single has some side effects. First of all, I’m back down to my pre-holiday weight. I guess that’s a good thing; it’s like my body knew I needed to store up fat for a big event.
Second of all, my sleep patterns and life are being interrupted by an overly-chatty brain.
Last night, for at least 2 hours, I tried to sleep. But all my brain wanted to do was talk to me about grad school options. “Hey, so, look– HEY. Hey! Heyheyheyhey. You don’t need to ‘stay’ anywhere. You can do whatever you want. You can go back to Bellingham because you love the bay, and the size of the city, and the shops, AND THE ICE CREAM, and oh! I bet you’d have fun. But Seattle’s cool, too. There’s so much to do! And I bet there are cute law students… And what about Corvallis? Oh man, if you get in there, just think! SO much fun.”
Okay, I get it. I get it, Self. I get that there is a lot for me out there.
And look, self-help books, I get what you’re saying, too. You know what, though? I already knew all of this. I’ve gone through a psycho break-up, and I studied communication– I get it. I can even pinpoint factors leading up to why feelings changed. I get that it’s out of my hands. I get that if he realizes he wants me back, then he will do whatever it takes.
He said we were destined in his mind to be best friends. He feels neutral about us. He’s not sure what he wants to do in life.
The thing is… now that I step back, I realize that I’ve felt the same way. Who can blame us? We’re 24/25 with a lot of major decisions and opportunities out there.
That’s why my brain was on overload last night. Because after almost having things figured out, I don’t anymore. After looking at SU’s list of alumni positions, it seems most of them stayed in Seattle. And after searching deep down in my heart, the little small town girl I’ve always known said, “No. I want to live where life moves at a slower pace. I want to live where I can drive my own car and not feel bad about it. And I don’t want to move to the suburbs, just to commute again.” 24-year-old Ardith feels great about Seattle right now, but 24-year-old Ardith has to have a discussion with 27- and 28-year-old Ardith– a real, heart-to-heart with my future self.
I realized I wanted to be in student affairs because I had the opportunity, in the future, to live in smaller cities with colleges. And if I find myself a city slicker for too many years later, this whole cycle is going to start over again.
You know what, though? I talked with my mom last night on Facebook. She asked me if I thought I would get back together with my boyfriend, and I told her that I didn’t really see it happening. And then I explained everything that’s going on on my side and what I think is happening in his life. I explained that I value our friendship too much to force anything, etc. etc.
And she told me, “Dad and I are very proud of you.”
Okay, I’ll concede– I guess you did an okay job, Brain. At least you can still be rational sometimes. Now, stop talking for a second.