I’m not lying on the ground with a “hole” blown through my chest. I’m not staring out the window, watching the seasons change.
I am, however, finding it hard to eat and hard to sleep. And I am wrestling with myself. Or, more accurately, I’m wrestling with two different trains of thought.
One is trying to channel weak, co-dependent Bella, telling me my true love has left me, and there’s nothing more.
The other is strong and sees the future in a loving, hopeful way. This may be the end of a romantic relationship, but it may also be the reclamation of a friendship. Everyone knows we were best friends long before there was any love interest. He’s the type of person who can stay friends with past girlfriends, if his girlfriends allow him to.
And you know what? I value him and his family and all our mutual friends too much to ever imagine not having them in my life. The stipulation in my mind is that anyone I end up with is going to have to accept all these people, as well as me and my family.
Of course, whomever I may end up with years from now also has to love me completely. C told me that I deserve someone who loves me just as much as I love them. And that broke my heart.
I poured my life and soul into the relationship and friendship. To be told that my feelings, my passion, my life weren’t reciprocated 100% hurts my heart.
With me, what you see is what you get. No more, no less. I’ve tried to be someone I wasn’t in the past, and this was my first real relationship. He knows all my hopes, all my flaws, and all the little, quirky, annoying things about me. It’s all out there– and I thought that was enough. It’s not something either of us can control, and I don’t expect him to stay with me if it doesn’t feel right for him.
Right now, it seems impossible that I’ll fall so genuinely in love again, and it seems even more impossible now that someone will fall madly in love with all of me and stay that way forever. It’s embarrassing, but I ordered a few of those “How to Live Through a Break-up” type books– I’ve only been through a “real” break-up once, and that was in high school. It was messy and terrible, and I care too much to let that happen.
My 2010 theme creeps up again, telling me to move forward. Not everything happens for a reason, but there is a reason that things happen.