I’m Back

But then again, I never left.

I’ve gone several places since the last time I posted here: Las Vegas, Wenatchee, Hawaii, Whidbey Island, Bellingham.

But I never left.

I’m still in a rut, and I haven’t been able to dig myself out. I had to go back to Everett last night. I feel like a normal person would accept that fact and go home to his or her apartment with sleep on the mind. How did I handle it? I cried. Of course.

I’ve tried, Everett. I really have. Nothing about you makes me want to roll my windows down and cruise around. Instead, you’ve trapped me. All my normal tactics are useless against you.

Has this city finally broken me?

A few weeks ago, before I left for Hawaii and before C was back on the mainland, I started to feel some semblance of normalcy. I was feeling independent and confident about the future. I guess when I stepped back and looked at where I am in comparison to so many others, I was crushed by the depressing reality that I’ve somehow failed.

When I go home at night, I go home to an empty apartment. It’s full of stuff, and if I had the motivation, I swear I would throw most of it away. An unfinished scrapbook. Language books, of which I’ve only read the first chapter. Presents to be sent off. Piles of laundry. An empty suitcase. Unread GRE study guides.

The distaste I have for this apartment has led me to stop caring. Maybe I would like it more if it didn’t feel like such a desperate place. It’s not home. It’s a storage bin where I unfortunately have to sleep every night.

Get me out of here. My creativity, my drive, my identity have all withered.

Is that what college graduation is about?

If this is the real world, I’m over it. I want to pack my bags and get out of here.

It’s too bad I’ll only get part way through the task.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Back

  1. kmb says:

    Hey Ardith,All your blogs are really touching. It is a shame that it takes graduating to realize what a picnic it actually is to be in school. I tend to get swept up with constant worry that I'm not being productive with all the potential I spent my life developing (and it's kind of getting worse now that I'm approaching the end of graduate school…) but I have come to accept that this is all part of the next phase of growing up. Sometimes you have to let yourself fall a little bit before you really realize the discipline it takes to accomplish goals when there are no due dates or midterms attached. So don't be ashamed that you may be wasting time! It takes equal parts frustration and patience to figure out the next step, and I understand how plagued you feel in your environment. The only way I can get studying done is by leaving my house so there aren't a thousand distractions. Hopefully you can find a Starbucks or somewhere without the risk of getting mugged in Everett 🙂 I have no doubt you'll get into grad school and find something fulfilling, it's just a matter of staying on the painful road of determination. Taking a few, good deep breaths always helps, too.~kristine

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