Know Pain. Know Gain.

Thanks for bearing with me, friends. Sometimes a lady just has to process her errors, and I process by writing things out. I’m alright; I’m always alright.

I haven’t made any major gains at the gym in the last two weeks. My body has been majorly sapped from the high levels of stress. I spent most of the weekend sleeping to recover, and I am running at about 75% currently. I dropped out of the nutrition challenge pretty majorly, although I made it through last Sunday and most of last Monday before letting the stress of life overwhelm the stress of blocking out every meal. I still was mindful, for the most part, and today’s meals have been intentionally portioned even though the challenge is over.

Last Monday’s WOD was rough, but I busted out some banded handstand push-ups, and the previous Tuesday’s WOD had snatches in it, and those are fairly fun. Difficult lift to get heavy with, especially with overhead squats thrown in, but I used the 45lb. bar and got through a decent amount of work.

I was on the road for a portion of the week, and my guest workout included back squats followed by weighted lunges and V-ups. I was sore for a few days.

The weekend was mentally much-needed. It was an escape to the coast for a few nights, and there was wine and hot tubbing and a lot of good, productive conversation. I feel a lot better, although I could use a few more decompression sessions.

This Monday’s WOD was OK. Deadlifts for strength, in which I matched my current best, then some running followed by 75lb. power cleans, squat cleans, and jerks. My shoulders felt it, and I was beating myself up for my cruddy form throughout the whole night. Again, no significant progress with those lifts, but I could tell things are feeling a bit better as I work at those weights.

Important update, though! On Tuesday night, I made a small breakthrough on my strict press. For the first time ever, I hit a solid rep at 65lbs. and then threw one more rep up. I next failed my 70lb. attempt, and then got one more rep at 65lbs. That is a teeny step in the right direction with that cursed lift. I gave it a shot, knowing full well that strict press is my nemesis; I’ll keep facing it head-on. I will not necessarily enjoy it, but I will do it.

Knowing who you are is always necessary in working through hurdles and barriers. In many ways, I am still getting to know this newer version of me, the woman who is so strong and so driven in all she does, but who also feels the full weight of emotions and other outside factors. I have never been non-feeling, and I often feel this guilt in revealing the side of myself that isn’t “just funny” or “just smart.” I don’t want people to be afraid of it, so I try to keep it hidden–until something allows that dam to break again. When I apologize for the way I feel and the way I process, I mean it, because it’s a lot to take in for folks who have only seen a portion of my personality and full identity.

I am working to embrace all these sides of myself because they are me. I am working to make all those sides healthy and respectable. And always, I am working on this because I want to be my best for myself and for my friends.

So, stick with me. No one said progress was easy.

A Short Thought

“Good intentions don’t excuse bad behavior.”

From Thought Catalog

Although I do hope that certain parties in my life see that and take it to heart, I also must say that I am to blame, in part, for my current state, in what I have done and what I have failed to do. I can do so much better in my thoughts and in my actions. I deserve so much better from myself.

It’s good to know that this little phoenix always comes back stronger.

And with that stronger self comes a potential partner who promises to love, to respect, to cherish, and to share an uncommon bond.

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As You Are

“The one who wants to be with you never lets you forget how special you are. They tell you via text message (in full sentences that don’t even need emoticons), flowers, candy, skywriter and actual in-person words — because they know how important it is to be in the presence of love, to be wrapped up in it, to feel it next to you holding you and never letting go.”

The One Who Wants to Be With You

I am being very patient. I am exhausted from trying and failing and picking myself up. I am only tough because I have been broken so many times before, and what you see externally is a lot of scar tissue. Deep down is a girl with so many feelings, so much to offer, so much possibility.

He’s out there, I think. The one with whom all of these things and more ring true for me. It’s a two-way street I’m looking for; I keep ending up on one-ways and dead ends.

Open your eyes and look for me; I’ve lost my way. I need you to take me by the hand and basically… run.

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Forget Me Not

Who I am and what I mean to each and every one of you is something different.

I’m awesome.
I’m trouble.
I’m loved.
I’m an inspiration.
I’m your best friend.
I’m gorgeous.
I’m down-to-Earth.
I’m funny.
I’m intense.
I’m intimidating.
I’m tough.
I’m happy.

I am all of this and more.

And who do I want to be?

That’s a really good question.

I think I want to be everything I listed and more.

I am many things all at once, and to be loved and appreciated for all of that is one of the greatest things I could hope for.

To deny any one of my traits and characteristics would be to deny the full effect.

So, here I am. Take it, or leave it.

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Clarification

That last post wasn’t about anyone in particular. It was a PSA geared towards prospective suitors, as I occasionally place on this site. Most of them will never read it, but it’s published and out there. They can refer back to it like a Code of Conduct. And I can cite it! In APA format, nonetheless.

Furthermore, it’s just really hard to be positive and trusting after a series of bad situations and even worse excuses. I mean, seriously, Guy-Who-Was-Dating-Four-Other-People-The-Whole-Time? That really screwed up the whole “trust” thing, if you ask me.

Anyway.

It’s Wednesday. It means it’s time to recap Adventures in CrossFit with Ardith Laverne!

Let’s see. Got my butt kicked Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday. Perfect.

Thursday, we deadlifted and this happened:

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Those scores basically state the load we all used during the first AMRAP, which was a 10-minute AMRAP with 3 deadlifts and 5 handstand push-ups. HSPU went fine; I tried banded HSPU for the first time and did fine, although I tried the lighter weight band at one point and tumbled out forward.

The second AMRAP was also an AMRAP10, with five deadlifts at a lower weight than the first AMRAP and then as many double-unders you can get. I was aiming to load my bar somewhere between 125-130lbs. Well, as we went through that workout, I couldn’t understand why 130lbs. felt so heavy and why I was falling behind so quickly. Coach K walked over about halfway to watch my form, and as I struggled through a rep, he said something along the lines of, “Great! What’s that… 140lbs.? Nice. Looking good at 140.” To which I said, “140?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” With the structure of the workout, I only had time to toss the two 2.5lb. plates I had stuck on the end of the bar, dropping the load to 135lbs. After busting out way too many reps at the way wrong weight, 135 seemed pretty terrible, too.

But. I lived. And I got a funny white board result afterwards. So that’s okay.

Saturday was an away WOD at CrossFit425. Partner WOD, fun times, and sunshine. Plus a lot of skills work afterwards. Even taught a friend how to do cheer jumps to counts. ;)

Monday, rack jerks, front squats, and hang clean & jerks. Matched my 95lb. personal best.

Tuesday, deadlifts. Matched my two-rep max, 195lbs. with another two reps. Attempted 200lbs. but was only able to move the bar about an inch. Time to work.

I’ve also been participating in another nutrition challenge with some folks at the gym. It’s more strict than the last one, and the second phase added in some Zone components. Now, not only do I have to think about what I’m eating, I have to do much more math. As we can see from the above example, math really isn’t my strongest point in everyday life. Oh well. Just two more weeks.

Hum… let’s see. This next week is going to feel super-long. I’m stressed out from multiple angles, but the good news is, my teammate does hair and I just got my layers trimmed up, and I must say, it looks great.

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Love Medicine (Not the Book I Once Read)

“In love as in medicine: first, do no harm.” (Source: Thought Catalog)

I have not stopped thinking about the above quote since reading it earlier. If I could have this tattooed down the back of my arm, I would. Talk about wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I got called a tough girl at my gym tonight as I reset for a third attempt on a 95lb. hang squat clean & jerk. I finally got under the bar properly, with “no fear” as my coach said. I got the bar overhead, and then brought it back down, tired, spent, but accomplished. I could have given up, walked away, went home for the night without hitting that lift, but something caused me to think, “No, just one more shot.” And my tired, slightly defeated self wrapped her hands around the bar and gave it her all.

I’m waiting for a time when other parts of my life come together like that. I’m waiting for the time when all those lonesome moments, all those hours spent wondering if I’m being deceived, all those disappointments and broken dreams don’t matter anymore because someone thought, “This woman is like no other I’ve ever met,” and he is man enough to do right by me. Passing up meaningless dates with unremarkable women–no matter how good their hair is or the way they put on their lip gloss–will be so simple, even he’ll wonder what’s wrong with him.

How many times have I picked myself up from the ashes of a train-wreck relationship and said, “Just one more try.” Something keeps me going. Something tells me that I’ll eventually get it right, that he’ll* eventually get it right, and that the universe will eventually let us both get it right.

But it’s hard. No one said it would be easy. And I guess I never asked for a fast pass through all of this.

In the meantime, can we all agree on no more harm done to me? Can we make sure that men with whom I am involved don’t have the capacity to manipulate or to deceive or to break my trust the way too many have in the past? Can we aim for no more train wrecks? Because that all sounds nice.

Let’s shake on that, universe.

Please.

Bleeding Hearts* Whoever he is.

Benchmarks

On Tuesday night, we ran Elizabeth as the WOD. This is a benchmark workout, a workout that comes up occasionally to help athletes gauge progress. The last time I attempted Elizabeth was on January 18th, and my results were as follows:

For Time:
21-15-9 – Power Cleans and Ring Dips
Power cleans scaled to 55lbs.
Ring dips modified to jumping ring dips
Overall time: 7 minutes, 25 seconds

Tuesday, April 30th’s results were as follows:

For Time:
21-15-9 – Power Cleans and Ring Dips
Power cleans scaled to 70lbs.
Ring dips modified to band-assisted ring dips (blue band, approx. 50lbs. assistance)
Overall time: 7 minutes, 12 seconds

That’s definitely progress. I know the last time I did Elizabeth, I was worried about my form on cleans. I still am, but I know this time around, they did not feel sloppy. I’m working very hard to get my elbows up in that racked position, making sure my feet don’t jump out too wide, and keeping my core engaged throughout the entire lift. Additionally, ring dips are hard, and I “no-rep’d” myself a few times tonight because I couldn’t lock out at the top of the motion. I want that full range of motion. I’m getting there.

We also worked on inversions on the Olympic rings on Tuesday. I have only gone inverted several times on rings, and one of those times resulted in basically dislocation and scarring, so I’m not entirely enthusiastic about inversions. However, I tried it several times, and it just kept getting better each time. That’s also progress.

I also weighed in this week. The home scale showed 119.2lbs. and 24.6% body fat, down from January 18th’s 133.2lbs. and 29.4% body fat. Even the gym scaled is reporting a new body weight: 124.4lbs., down from right about 130lbs. during Basic testing.

What’s that you say? Oh yeah, progress.

Again, I’m not on the way to being a fitness prodigy. I don’t suddenly have an amazing repertoire of gymnastic moves and heavy lifts. I’m not going to suddenly come out in the Top 3 in an upcoming CrossFit competition.

But that’s not why I’m here. Progress in the name of progress and wellness and growth is why I’m here.

And that’s all that matters.

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Oh, and also–it’s fun!

EDIT: B so kindly reminded me that Monday’s WOD included two-minute split drills: front (straddle), side (left and right legs), and partner “pancake” stretches. I haven’t stretched splits like that since college cheer, so it was good to work back into them. My right front split is still much worse than my left, due to old scar tissue, but my straddle and seated straddle (“pancake”) are good.

During the last pancake stretch, as my partner pushed lightly on my bad and my body inched nearer to the ground, I uttered, “Oh no, I really don’t want to put my face on this ground.”

So, naturally, the gym floor is where my face came to rest. Ick.

Smoked.

Wiped.

Toasted.

Call it what you will, but I am in dire need of a rest day in the best of ways. Since the competition just over a week ago (it was seriously not that long ago, and that’s mind-boggling), I’ve PR’d my 400m run, hit my first truly-Rx’d workout (weights and skills and everything!), and then been completely ego assassinated yet again.

Friday’s workout, in Coach K’s words, “divided the team in half: those who were incredibly sore afterwards, and those who didn’t do the workout.”

It was an Every Minute On the Minute for 30 minutes. It was Chelsea. And here’s how it all shook out.

EMOM30
5 Pull-ups
10 Push-ups
15 Squats

If you can no longer continue 5, 10, 15:
Note time in EMOM, take 1 min rest, then continue EMOM with:
5 Pull-ups
7 Push-ups
10 Squats

If you can no longer continue 5, 7, 10:
Note time in EMOM, take 1 min rest and continue EMOM with:
3 Pull-ups
5 Push-ups
7 Squats

Supposedly, you could tap out if you could no longer the last rep scheme, but Coach told all of us he believed in us and our lung capacity. Hooray.

I worked up through minute 6 with the original rep scheme. I had modified my pull-ups to unassisted chin-to-bar pull-ups (yeah, I’m almost there!). Push-ups I took from the toe because I was feeling great.

After resting and starting back up on minute 7 with the second rep scheme, I got through several more rounds before my arms started to give out. After completing minute 10, I dropped to my knees on push-ups. After completing minute 17, I had to modify to jumping pull-ups because I developed my first palm rip and my arms were basically turning into jelly.

With those modifications, I was able to stick with the second rep scheme up through minute 30.

There was one moment with a teammate in which we made eye contact–drenched in sweat and a little dead behind the eyes–and with slight resignation, both hit the ground for push-ups. No words needed; those looks simply said, “Oh, this just SUCKS.”

The remainder of that night, I could barely use my arms.

Of course, I went to practice a few skills on Saturday, during which I could still not use my arms and the rest of my body was pretty tired, too. And of course, a bunch of us from the team went out to 80s/90s Night and danced.

So, OF COURSE, Sunday, I could barely move. I had trouble moving the comforter off myself when I woke up in the morning! I took Sunday to rest as best as possible, although even foam rolling was a chore. I basically just flopped on top of the roller and lay there. Not very productive. I stretched as much as possible, but that was fairly difficult, too. Grumble grumble.

I did manage to feel more energetic, enough to go to the gym Monday night for deadlifts and Annie, and Tuesday night for power cleans (which I took real light to work on form and not completely wreck my arms and back) and a kettlebell swings and burpees workout.

My arms are tired and useless again, and I already planned to take Wednesday as a rest day to recover.

The light at the end of this tiresome tunnel, though?

Think of how awesome my arms will look when I’m done. Worth it.

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Are We Ever Gonna Date Or What?

Reblogged from Thought Catalog:

Click to visit the original post

Oh, hey. Hey. Nothing much, just hanging out, you know, saying hi to some people. Oh, cool. Cool.

Listen, I... No, haha. You go first. No, you go first. What were you gonna say?

Oh, yeah! Yeah, totally. It is super loud in here. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, what was I gonna say? Oh, uh. Just like, it's nice to see you, dude.

Read more… 781 more words

Relationships! They're hilariously awkward, and there's no graceful way to enter one nowadays. Anything that isn't organically awkward isn't going to fly in my world. Unfortunately. So, here. This will keep you entertained and also probably explain some things.